Drifting

When you spend the first quarter (plus change ) of your life doing one thing and then – as if from nowhere – that one thing doesn’t make sense anymore, well, you feel like you’re drifting. Losing it. Crazy.

That’s where I stand right now.

I’m looking at the world and it all seems so — big. And I’m looking at people and they all seem so — the same.

The beliefs that I have held and the words I used to read and the sermons I’ve listened to don’t fit this world anymore.

Because I believe in the oneness of humanity and that inspiration can be found in nature and laughter and science and meditation and a child’s eyes.

And I see suffering — I see people that I love suffer — and the words of religion mean little, but the tears of a friend who cares mean much.

And I see women — strong women, leader women — and I want to be in their number. The belief that I am second and that I am to be quiet and submit don’t fit.

I see friends of different religions (or none at all) and I see that their lives are lovely and beautiful and meaningful. And who am I to tell them that their lives aren’t enough and that their beliefs that lead them to do beautiful things in the world aren’t good enough?

So here I stand. Lost. But found at the same time. Emptying out a life full of rules and thoughts and beliefs and trying to look into my soul and see what feels true — what resonates in my core.

Love resonates. Laughter resonates. Freedom resonates. Not freedom with stipulations — but freedom to unfold and really be. Quiet resonates. Colors resonate. Healing lives resonates. Loving children resonates. Intimacy resonates. Family resonates. Soul friends resonate. Art resonates. There I find God, whoever she is.

Fear suffocates. Rules suffocate. Indoctrination suffocates.

Love is a religion. Love is my religion.

To those who I once judged to be less than or lost souls or sinners – I am so deeply sorry. I’m sorry that the judgment I learned spilled out of me and onto you. And I’m sorry for the missed opportunities to see your soul and dance with it.